I know I know. I haven’t written in this thing. Not that anyone actively follows my posts of anything I write, but still. Writing is just more of a…release? I just love it too much.
So aside from ignoring this little blog here, I find I ignore lots of things. I ignore some desires, dreams and callings, and friendships. What’s my flaw? Inconsistency? Giving up on things? I like to think I’m not the one to give up, that other people do, but on the other hand, maybe I do.
I don’t remember what movie it was that I saw, but there was a pretty dreary concept about humans having an emptiness inside them and that they’ll always yearn for more, more, more (come to think of it, that’s probably from a multitude of movies). I like where I’m at, but I just feel like there’s something more. I want to be elsewhere and do other things, but I don’t know how to get there. Because of my frustration, I settle for what I have – I mean really, I don’t have it bad at all. Maybe I’m too finicky? Picky? Or maybe I just miss things. Mountains. Colorado. France. Silly moments (yes, Plinky got me on that one). BUT the bipolar other side of me is having so much fun where I am now! I enjoy going to work, which I know many people can’t admit to. However, will I always enjoy it? Who knows.
As far as dreams and callings, bleh. That’s what I have to say. There’s SO many things I would enjoy doing, and other things I’d love doing. Problem is, how do you pick just one? I want all of it!! I want to be a hermit in the mountains, be a beach bum selling trinkets, be the next journalist, be the next news reporter, be the kind of teacher they make movies about, be a sommelière, find some crazy awesome job in France, find an awesome job in Colorado, be a photographer and take pictures of things I love, open up my own restaurant, and adopt all the stray animals in the world. Yep – that’s me in a nutshell. You either think I’m optimistic, weird, or insane.
Continuing along, I seem to have better long-distance friendships than I do close ones. I don’t dislike anyone I’m friends with. Well, duh…I wouldn’t be friends with you if I didn’t like you. I’m just not that good at keeping up with people, especially old friends. WHYYY?? I don’t do it intentionally and I don’t mean to hurt feelings (but I’m sure I have)…I think that’s just how I am. It’s selfish, I know. There’s probably a few times I’ve disappointed people, but to my luck, I’ve never actually lost any good friendships. Maybe the people I’m friends with understand it and can deal with it just fine, but still, I shouldn’t be that way. I should be a consistent and stable friend.
In conclusion to my rant of nothing in particular, I need to be more stable, in all things. I need to figure out just what in the WORLD I’m doing. Until then, everything is kind of going with the flow. I’ve always thought I preferred to just float along and go with whatever, but now I’m not too sure… So in reality, this topic isn’t concluded. It’s still a mystery to me…
“Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find…” – Adele